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mylifeasadodo

birding, bitching, and being me

Day 16 I know, I know…

A confession. I have not done as well with this writing challenge as I had hoped. But c’mon…work has been crazy, my mom died, I’ve been tired and depressed. Not like I haven’t had excuses!

But really, excuses are not acceptable. They are lame. They are a way to make myself feel better and I shouldn’t. I have responsibility for my actions, and it is, in fact, time for action. Now what do I do??!!

Well, what I’m going to do is try to do better. I need to allow myself to grieve, and if I miss a day, I miss a day. I just backspaced over what I was going to say, which was I wanted to put something out every day, no matter what. But you know, I don’t want to do that. I want to put out something of some quality. So I may have to put something out every other day, so it gives me time to actually think and focus and write. And not just write, but write well. What do you think? I think it’s a plan.

Especially because I usually knock out these little blurbs in a half an hour or less. So there really isn’t a lot of thought involved. So maybe it’s time for that; time to think about what I want to accomplish and what kind of book I want to write.

Because I do like doing this. It’s fun and it’s satisfying to see if people are reading it and following it. That gives me a sense of connection with other people that I don’t always get through work. And because some of them aren’t personal friends or family, it makes me feel a little special. But it also adds pressure because I want to make people laugh and/or think, and there have just been days I just couldn’t do either of those myself.

But enough of the pity party Nancy! Time to get off my ass and get it done. So get it done I shall!

Seriously though, most of the heavy duty writing will be on the weekend. So tired by the time I get home from work! But should be able to squeeze in a half hour or so. Right? That sounds like a plan.

Okay I got distracted. (You wouldn’t know that but I’m being honest and telling you. I’ve been watching baseball and talking to my kid for 20 minutes. I apologize.)

So anyway, from now on focus, dedication and daily writing. Unless I’m really tired. Or hungry. Or I have to watch the duckies in the pond out back.

Sigh. I’ll get there eventually people. Be patient.

 

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Since I already put out a cute picture of ducks, I looked for geese, because we have them too. These look like ducks to me. But whatever. Still cute!

 

Okay, back to it. Day 15

Today’s challenge is fear, and that’s going to be super easy. After everything I went through with mom, I really am afraid of growing old. Like, my stomach started to hurt just typing that sentence.

I’ve been a single mom with a deadbeat ex-husband since my daughter was 7, so everything has been on me. And that was fine, until I realized I am now over 50 and single. One income to pay the rent, utilities, car and all the other bills has been okay. I mean, I make it every month and still get to go out a couple times for dinner or a movie, but otherwise, I’m wiped clean. I have a good job now, but really have only started saving. And it’s really hard to save a lot when I still have bills. So my retirement account is a little thin.

After having looked into assisted living facilities, I realize that only the wealthy, once again, can afford to grow old. Unless they accept Medicaid, which VERY few do, you’re looking at between $2,000 – 4,000 a month. Well who the hell has that! I know I don’t. Nor do a lot of other single women I know. So what are the options?

Well, I’ve been wanting to date again. That’s hard to do at my age, I mean, where do I meet eligible men now? Especially ones that are my age and aren’t looking for women between the ages of 35-49, because that’s what they all want! I should know…I’ve stalked a few online dating services. It’s ridiculous and demeaning. And I mean come on guys, who do you think you are, really? A cute little young thing got no time for you, unless you’re rich, and none of the ones I saw online looked like they had money, so get real! What’s wrong with a nice, intelligent, attractive woman in her 50’s??!! Okay, off topic. Moving on.

I work overtime and have considered getting a second job on top of that, but frankly, I’d like to live a little before I die. Plus I get tired. And it’s baseball season. So nothing there.

I have heard of assisted living insurance, so I guess I need to look into that more. But then that’s just another bill. So basically I feel fucked no matter what.

I guess my only real option is a roommate or something. And who wants a roommate at 70?? Or my poor kid is going to have to give me a corner of her basement. I really don’t know.

And this is the thing that scares me the most. And also makes me angry. Because in this country, as you grow old, if you don’t have a lot of money then no one cares or wants to help you. And I think that’s shameful. You work hard all your life and what do you get at the end? Some nasty nursing home? No thank you!

If need me I will Thelma & Louise myself out of this world. Or have someone set me adrift on an iceberg like the Eskimos do. (I heard that somewhere, but don’t really think they do that. So no offense meant for any Eskimos that may be reading this.) But seriously, what do you do?

If you have any answers, give me a call. Otherwise, save me a large cardboard box near a warm street corner. Because there except for the grace of God, could be me.

 

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Have you ever really seen an old bird? They know they have to die young or try to move into their kids nest, and who wants that?!

Day 14 – still writing

Today’s challenge is to write about waiting. Well folks, I feel like I wait ALL the fucking time!

I wait for people to admit they’re wrong.

I wait for people to be appreciative for the things they have, like a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs.

I wait for people to be respectful of themselves and others. And not just of people who do something for them personally but who take action to ensure their rights and needs are met.

I wait for perfection, knowing it will never come.

I wait for understanding; for someone to walk in my shoes and feel what I feel so I am not judged.

I wait for people to use their brains. To understand, really understand, the world around them and who’s running it and who’s making a mess of it.

I wait for the courage to do and say what I want and need to do and say.

I wait for people to start using their heads and intellect instead of raw emotion that generates nothing but more problems and animosity towards others.

I wait for people to admit defeat.

I wait for people to take defeat and make it into something to be proud of, so they hold their heads up high and feel like yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve learned and grown from them. And I persevere until I succeed.

I wait to cry.

I wait for people to be happy with themselves and who they are and what they have instead of worrying about what other people have. Remember, you don’t know how they got what they have and how that may be eating them up inside.

I wait for things to get better, knowing they never will because there’s always something wrong somewhere.

I wait for love.

I wait for justice to those who deserve it and those who do not.

I wait for cool autumn evenings.

I wait for cold beer and a good ball game.

I wait.

 

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Some of us have waited to be parents too.

Day 13 of the, oh you know what it is

Morning! Can I even still call this Day such-and-such of the 31-day writing challenge? I mean, let’s face it, I have missed a few days here and there along the way. Oh well fuck it. Keep calm and this is so overused now, you know the rest.

So one of the writing challenges (they’re all rather running together now since I’ve fallen behind, so I’m just choosing which one I feel like writing about now) is to write about food. So since I start back to my actual pay me money to pay my bills work tomorrow, I’m going to write about food! Because I mean, c’mon, who can’t write about food? I’ll think about the harder challenges and write about them during the week. On company time. Like a true American! (jk anyone who’s reading this from work!! Seriously. Jk.)

So food, gotta love it right?! But let’s be honest. A vast majority of us (at least the 3 friends I talk to about stuff, but I think we represent) are tired of food. We’re tired of trying to decide what to eat, whether or not it’s good for us, and then having to actually cook the stuff. Like people, please. This isn’t the 1950’s where I would be expected to stay home in the kitchen all day! (And my apologies if that’s the wrong decade, but it sounded right in my head.) I work 8-10 hours a day with a half hour or so drive each way. I really like my job, but by the time I get home I am tired. So who feels like cooking?! No one, that’s who.

And I really love the idea of “food prepping” my meals on Sunday. It sounds like the ideal way to get all my lunches and dinners premade and ready for me to just throw into the oven or crock pot in the morning or after work for a great, tasty meal! And I have done it on occasion. But again, c’mon! Take a whole Sunday afternoon to cook when instead I could be enjoying a nice hike, bike ride, or watching a ball game and drinking beer? I don’t think so. We only get 2 days off a week, if we’re lucky. I truly do not want to spend one of them cooking.

So this has led to the (at least my) American diet. It often consists of either a salad from the salad bar of my local grocer, a piece of meat from my local butcher that I can just throw into the oven, or a bowl of cereal. A healthy cereal of course. Like Cap’n Crunch. It is fortified, you know.

Which of course explains the tire around my middle that I just love but do not have the energy to get rid of. I keep telling myself that I’m going to join that yoga or Zumba class at the YWCA, but I haven’t. I need to start the time honored tradition of having a friend do it with me so I’m not miserable by myself because that’s what friends are for, but I’m afraid to ask anyone. My friends are mean.

So there is my take on food. I love to eat but hate to cook and clean up. And I’m not rich enough for a personal chef. So I’m fucked. Someone call the Chinese place down the street. I need a little MSG in my life.

Happy eating. And if you’re cooking, call me.

 

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Me at a buffet. Don’t judge.

Day 12 of 31-day writing challenge

I haven’t cried yet.

I guess that’s fairly normal. It just hasn’t fully sunk in yet. And when you find out your mom has died while standing in a crowded convention center full of nerds at Comic Con, it probably would take some extra time to sink in. But I find that weird for me, so not real sure what’s going on.

I actually have found myself stopping myself from starting to cry. Like I will tear up a little and then concentrate on something else, so I stop. Like all of the stuff that has to be done when someone dies. The phone calls, the trips to the funeral home and for the marker and flowers. The phone calls are crazy too. Phone calls to stop things or to notify an agency or to tell people what happened. It’s really pretty crazy. So I just keep concentrating on getting things done. Checked off the list. Don’t think about it.

And do you realized how jacked up the funeral business really is? Like seriously. For instance, if you want to have the funeral on the weekend, the cemetery will charge over double the fees over having the funeral during the week. Like for real? OVER double. But I guess that’s our fault. Society’s I mean. Everyone is so busy and no one wants to miss work or taking their kid to little league practice or whatever your normal daily life would entail. No one wants to be bothered by death. Not in this fast paced life we all seem to be living now.

Back in the day, when someone died, everyone stopped. They remembered. They celebrated. They took the time to actually give a shit about the life and death of someone they knew and loved. Not anymore. That’s really fucked up in my opinion.

So now it’s just a business and if you could please die at my convenience I’d really appreciate it. Wow. But I feel like that’s what I’m experiencing from people now.

Anyway, I’ve gotten a bit away from the original writing challenge I started. Hopefully I will stay on task and at least get something written every day. My mom was always supportive of anything I did, and I know she would be of this as well. Oh by the way, it’s her 92nd birthday today. She missed it by 3 days.

Okay, tomorrow back on track. I’ll write about something irrelevant but while stretch my writing skills, as this is supposed to do. And at least I’m getting back to it. I’m going to do it daily. It may end up being silly and/or stupid, but by God I’m determined! Thanks for listening. (Well, reading.)

 

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Mom always liked cardinals.

Day 11, 31-day writing challenge

The muse left me yesterday dear readers; that and a head cold left me weary and without motivation. But I have come back tonight just in time to tell you that I still have a head cold and I don’t feel like thinking through the writing suggestions for the last couple of days, so a ramblin’ here I come.

Head cold or not, the one thing I am excited for is Comic Con in Columbus tomorrow! I love comic con. A place where all nerds can come together and be free to act and dress as outrageously as they want with no backlash; no judgment; no harsh stares. Nay I say! Some costumes are so good I wish I had made it myself! But alas, I am neither crafty nor can I sew and yes, nor do I want to learn. So picture taking is my bag.

Plus you get to see some really cool people on shows you love. We will be fortunate enough to see people from both movies and television, including stars from Buffy (and if you don’t know what just the name “Buffy” means, just quit reading this right now), Resident Evil, and my own favorite Doctor Who! And as long as I don’t sneeze in an ogre’s face tomorrow, all should be well!

I really like being funny when I write. I have a pretty good sense of humor and of course a biting wit (shut up!) and sarcasm enough for two, but this writing day is hard and I am not pleased with myself anymore. I like just sitting down to write and having something good happen, but of course it won’t always. But that pisses me off. And with working a regular job all week, I really do find by the evenings of the last few days I’m just too tired to think. And this freaking cold isn’t helping either.

So I think going forward I may write only every other day. I don’t want to get back in the habit of just blowing it off because I’m tired but I feel like I am building a habit and getting to a place where I can actually start creating something. But right now every day is a lot. So we’ll see I guess.

And I may only post a few times a week as well. I prefer quality over quantity. And boy some of the blogs I’ve followed lately, let me tell you. They blow you up with posts and there’s so many of them I just delete them all! And I unfollow them as well because ain’t nobody got time for 48 posts. Yes my friends, I said 48 posts. ALL AT ONCE. I was like fuck this. And I don’t want people to get that way with me, although I would never in a billion years post that much at once. I mean come on, seriously?? You really think anyone is reading them. Because, you know, they’re NOT bitch! Damn…

So for today this is it. I need my chair and a butterscotch pudding and watch my English Baking Show and then go to bed. To sleep, perchance to dream, of meeting someone dressed like Mr. Spock tomorrow. That would be so cool.

 

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This illustrates how I feel today.

Day 10 of 31-day writing challenge

It is Day 10 and I’m not sure what to write. Our “assignment”, as it were, is to write step by step instructions for something. It can be anything. And that’s all well and good, but that’s what I do for a living, so not really into doing it here as well. That would feel too much like work and not enough of writing and finding my voice. So I’m not going to do it!

Which begs the question, well Nancy, what the hell are you going to do instead? And that’s a good question. Because I don’t know. Like nothing is even just coming to my mind right now. So feel free not to like this post or anything because I think this is going to be rambling. And I mean real rambling. Not like the other days, but serious, mindless, what the fuck is she doing, rambling.

Okay, walked away for a bit because I really didn’t know what to say. So now I want to talk about the importance of friendship! I got a call about my mom that upset me (she’s okay, it had to do with money, and with people thinking she has any, and for people who think there’s something I can do about it because I can’t because I’m not fucking rich and can’t get money out of my ass, but whatever), and I was stewing a bit about it because that’s what I do. And then I got a message from a friend that made me laugh and feel better. It was random and stupid and silly and exactly what I needed. So yes, this is about the importance of friends. But especially the importance of friends among us single moms who get shit on a lot from a lot of different angles and people and don’t always have anyone to help them or let them vent. Thank God for these other women! I literally don’t know what I would do without them sometimes. And boy am I lucky because I have some great ladies in my life. And I love all of them, even if they get on my nerves sometimes, because my best friends are bitches just like me, and even I get on my nerves sometimes. Actually, I get on my nerves a lot.

Because as women we blame ourselves for everything. We take on the world and think because we don’t cure or fix everything and everyone that we’ve failed. Because that’s how society makes us feel. But you know, we’re humans. Normal people actually doing extraordinary things, and usually with little or no help. So stand strong ladies! Fuck up, be bitches and be proud!!

 

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Because we’re all great mothers, no matter what our kids say!

 

Day 9 of 31-day writing challenge

Today’s challenge is to write about writing. Oh, where to begin! What fickle bitch is this, the writing muse that overtakes some of us? She’s fucked up is what she is.

I have wanted to write since I was a young girl. And looking back, I realize I always did well when I just wrote, without thinking too much or trying to do too much. I mean, I wrote some good papers and such in high school and college, but the ones that stand out are the ones that I got accused of plagiarizing, which was and is something I would never do!! But it makes you feel good that someone thinks you’re work is good enough to have been published somewhere so you could be accused of thief, basically. I love a compliment!

But then you know, life gets in the way and you get busy or lazy so you think and dream of being a writer but you don’t write. So that doesn’t work out so well. And the biggest reason a writer doesn’t write is fear. Rejection. Humiliation. Having someone read your work, that you’ve sweated over, contemplating every word and image and nuance, only to have them say “I don’t get it”. Or worse, that someone just says “That’s nice” and walks away. Horror.

I’ve sent a few stories in to magazines over the years, but nothing got published. And by a few, I mean 2. Literally. Like really Nancy. Just suck it up and get on with it!!! But there is nothing as terrifying as the blank page. (and I know someone has said that, so for the sake of transparency, I’m not plagiarizing, but I don’t remember who has said it, and I’m hungry because I haven’t had dinner yet so I’m not going to look it up. Sue me.)

My biggest challenge is finding my voice. What do I want to say, and how? Is it fiction, non-fiction, essays, what?? But I’m not going to lie. I wouldn’t mind making a few extra dollars, so things like essays, at least right now, probably aren’t the way to go. But what is?? And I don’t want to write for money, but I don’t want to be anonymous forever either, and to have something, just ONE thing in my life, published. Should I be funny, dark, scary, young, old, English, from another planet (shut up you fucktard friends of mine who I can hear screaming yeah, that one! Cause you already are! Not funny! This is serious! This is my LIFE for Christ’s sake. Apologies, I digress once again.)  Anyway, that’s why I like this exercise of writing daily and just putting hands to keyboard and not thinking too much. My biggest take away from all of this is hopefully finding myself saying whatever it is I have in me to say.

I do love writing. I would love it more if I did it more. And I would REALLY love it if I wrote something good enough to be published. It’s every English major’s dream to be a published author. Some make it, some don’t, some don’t even try. At least I’ve finally decided to give it go.

And a thanks to author Jeff Goins, who started this writing challenge and has books and such out there if you want to look him up. I kept meaning to mention him and give him credit for doing this, but that bitch muse keep making me forget. So thank you Mr. Goins!

 

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They’re waiting for me to find my voice like they found theirs!

Day 8 of the 31-day writing challenge

 Day 8 is make a list. Now normally I’d be all up in this because I love lists. And the challenge says it can be a shopping list, the steps on how to do something, anything really as long as it’s list like and you don’t think or correct youself. Well I think we all now know I don’t think and, though it’s been killing me, I don’t correct all of my mistakes. I correct quite a few, but not all. Baby steps.

But now I don’t know what to say. So here goes

List

I have literally sat here staring at the word “list” for 3 minutes. Like, nothing is coming to me. Let’s do groceries and chores,

I need to return a blouse to Kohl’s

I need yogurt from Walmart because for some stupid reason Kroger doesn’t carry my brand anymore

I don’t need eggs but I think I need milk.

I want a bowl of cereal (I haven’t eaten yet so this could be bad news for you)

I may need cereal (because I usually have 2 bowls of cereal at one time. Because for real, who can just eat one.)

I really liked that stupid blouse from kohl’s but there was something on the front. A mark of some kind I didn’t see before. Hopefully I can exchange it if they have some left.

I have stuff for lunches at work this week, so don’t need anything.

I think I will try that deli we’re always kidding Ron about going to and he never buys us anything.

I like a good deli.

They have the good pickles.

I like pickles.

I hope they have rye.

Of course they have rye, don’t be stupid, it’s a deli.

Maybe some egg salad. I like a good egg salad.

Or roast beef.

Or a club sandwich. You really can’t go wrong with a club sandwich.

Though my kid recently ahd a sandwich with bacon on it and it practically chipped a tooth. I thought that was weird.

I like bacon.

Turkey bacon is good. Not the same as regular bacon, but what is?

God I bet these poor suckers reading this stupid blog are starting to count the words so I get ot 500 soon.

Has it been 500?

I kind of hope so. It’s getting late.

Sure am jonesing for that cereal.

Frosted mini wheats.

Isn’t it great when you come across one with like a ton of frosting on it??

Makes it all worthwhile.

Damn! Just checked word count. Got a few to go.

Going to comic con this weekend. Love it!

Great people will be there.

David Tennant

I like him.

John Barrowman too. He’s so funny! Saw him at another comic con once.

Also taking a crochet class this weekend.

Busiest weekend I’ve had in a while.

Should be fun.

Beginner’s class. Not the craftiest person you’ll ever meet.

But thought it’d be fun.

Okay, even I’m bored now.

Close enough. Until tomorrow.

 

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Birds in a line. Kind of like a list. Maybe not. But they’re so freakin cute!

 

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